I have a confession to make. Since January, I’ve been on leave from my teaching position. I had the best fall semester I’ve had in years; it was amazing; my classroom stayed organized. I could keep up with grades. The kids were learning; it was almost too smooth. Then we went on break and it all fell apart. I don’t know what the exact trigger was, but something snapped.
The two weeks of break were great, but I felt like something was off. Then the Sunday night before we were to go back to school, we were told that we would be virtual for the next week, which turned into the next two weeks. I never recovered and could not get back into the swing of teaching. It was like I forgot how I had coped during the Fall. I couldn’t keep my plans up to date. My Google Classroom was a mess, and I stopped grading altogether. The students struggled with the rapid decline in classroom structure and then I missed days, which turned into weeks and then months.
At first, kids sent me messages asking what was wrong and why I was gone. I had only missed one day during the Fall and so this was very unexpected. Soon the messages slowed and then eventually stopped altogether. Now it’s crickets, but that’s the way it’s supposed to be. When you are on leave, you are supposed to not think about your job. Your new job is to heal.
Today, my wife and I packed up all of my school stuff in boxes and moved it out of my home office. Just seeing it was causing me stress and anxiety. I love teaching. It’s more than just a “job” for my wife and I. I’m not ready to say goodbye to my classroom and I hope to return in the Fall of ‘22, but I just do not know if that will be possible. See my Depression, and to a lesser extent my ADHD, are drug resistant. I do not see the relief many others do from meds.
This coming week I’m meeting with a new doctor, one who specializes in Deep TMS treatments. I hope that this will bring light to the darkness of my mind. If it does not work, then there are still other options, but they are fewer and fewer as we look at new treatments.
So, where does this leave me? I guess I keep writing, keep working on my CBT, keep hoping for something to help me dig out of this dark pit. I have to let go of this school year and put my failures behind me so that I can move on. My whole life has been a series of hurdles as I navigate a world built by and for neurotypical people.
Be kind to yourself and allow the healing to happen. We neurodivergent folks will always need to carve our own path around the obstacles our brains push in our path and if that means taking time out and coming back stronger then so be it. As you say, this world isn’t geared for us so it’ll never be an easy ride. Take care!